Bitch Test

On occasion, my family, co-workers and friends will inform me that something I have said or done is not polite, overly sarcastic, snarky or "bitchy".

Most of the time, I don't believe them. For example, my sister and I were at a garage sale and the home owner asked if I needed any "Brand New Size B Bras." I responded " No, we are a large breasted family."

I thought this was hilarious, my sister says it was bitchy - that I was implying that home owner has small boobs. Not true, I was simply informing her that those "Brand New Size B Bras" wouldn't work on my frame.

So, today I have a bitch test for you and I would appreciate your honest opinion.

Picture this - I arrive at the car wash at 5:20.

Me: Hello, I would like a full service wash with an interior detail.
Car Wash Gentleman: I don't have time for that.
Me: Why not?
Car Wash Gentleman: We close at 5:30
Me: Well, how long does it take?
Car Wash Gentleman: About 15 minutes
Me: You are unwilling to stay 5 minutes late for a paying customer?
Car Wash Gentleman: We close at 5:30
Me: Fine, do what you can I guess

Al Borlan (aka: my live in lova) says I'm an asshole. That in no way should I expect him to stay 5 minutes late and I am inconsiderate for asking. Don't I know that you can't show up somewhere 10 minutes before they close.....and so on.

Here's my case:
1. I didn't show up at 5:29, I came at 5:20 - a full 10 minutes before they close.
2. If you close at 5:30, you don't turn away a customer at 5:20!
3. I wasn't asking for an hour long massage - I merely wanted a 15 minute interior detail.
4. If my boss approaches me at 4:50 for assitance, I don't tell him "Sorry-I'm off in 10 minutes"

What do think about the Car Wash Case?

Photo Friday (early Saturday) "We're All Gonna Die"

This is awesome, I've been studying it for an hour. Fellow people watchers, you'll love it. I've started to create stories for each person.

Ya, that's what I do on Friday nights. Create fictional lives for complete strangers.

We're All Gonna Die - 100 Meters of Existence

Dear Lost Follower

Why have you forsaken me?

I only had 8 followers. That's not very many. Now I have 7, which is even less than 8. **Sigh** I ask not for sympathy or pity, I only seek answers from you - lost follower . Where did you go? I feel like we were really beginning to connect, to share intimate experiences over the blogoshpere.

Did I not comment your blog enough? Come back to me, I will LOL your every post.

Did I offend you? I will never post photos of weenie babies or make fun of children again.

Oh, lost follower, how will I find the will to write without your avatar smiling coyly from my sidebar?

I miss you.

WTF Wednesday - Caption Me!

Happy hump day! I'm starting a new weekly tradition called WTF Wednesday! Captions are welcome and rewarded. With what, you ask-love...

Installment #1 -

Your Mom

These are gifts your mom will love. No, I need you to trust me on this one. You will win back the love that she lost when your life turned out to be not what she imagined for you.

He meows when you stick the pencil in.Joint shaped Birthday candles - Don't forget to tell mom you can't really smoke it-it's wax, and wax doesn't get you high.



There is a bladder in there to hold your alcohol. Worn under your shirt, you can BYOB to ball games, parks, work functions, Costco and church.
Weenie babies-why? because moms love weenies.

When she cries and tells that she loves you and that you may, in fact, amount to something - you are allowed to call me and thank me. Then put your mom on the phone so I can take all the credit.

Help! I'm Stuck to the Kitchen Floor!

So I saw this at Walgreens :


And I thought - "oh cool, this will work perfect for my Pure Romance cue cards - I can look like a super cool artist rather than a Kindergartener with a glue stick"

I may have looked like a really cool graphic artist while spraying away and jamming out to the ipod, but I felt like a housewife when I was scrubbing my kitchen floors.

Ya, don't use this unless you have a studio, a garage or a tarp. I just spent over an hour drunkenly (did I mention the three glasses of wine associated with spray gluing and rocking out?) scrubbing the glue particles off the kitchen floor, the kitchen table, my ipod and the cat's paws. I could hear his sticky footsteps from the other room. Actually the clumpy tar and feather style cat hair clumps made cleaning up my mess that much more fun.

Moral of story: don't use spray glue unless you are qualified
Other moral of story: if your gonna be an unqualified spray gluer-don't drink and spray

Cut the Cord

Saw this gem on the Today show yesterday. "Tummy Tubs"- put your kid in this bucket to wash it. Why? Because it reminds them of the womb. They feel safe and secure.

I don't have any kids, but it seems to me that these babies need to wake up to the real world. Guess what baby, your not in the womb anymore. Ya, life sucks -welcome. The earlier the little suckers learn that the better they will adapt. That one in the middle looks like it is about 2 years old. Shouldn't it have a job or something instead of hanging out in womby tub?

Next we'll we be sending kids to school in fluid filled womb suits and bubble wrap loafers.