I spy with my little eye...

From my spot on the couch, I can glance around the room and find five vignettes that make me want to inflict harm on the man that I live with. I love him, so not anything that would leave a mark-just a swift kick to the shin or a nipple twister would suffice.

Exhibit A - Those are socks. On the coffee table. The man won't put his book on the top of the toilet tank because he is afraid of poo germs, but it's okay to put your SOCKS on the coffee table.
Exhibit B: Count 'em. One, two, three pairs of shoes under the coffee table. When I try to put them away he tells me he needs to wear them tomorrow. Really? Three pairs?


Exhibit C - Unworn Adidas sandals. Why is that an irritant, one asks. Well, that's the third pair I've bought. The third pair that aren't right. The nubbies on the inner soles pinch his feet. Three pairs, three styles of nubbies, three failures.


Exhibit D - That's a strange place for a hat rack. That's because it's not a hat rack. It's a sconce light. Just since we've been chatting a third one has made it's way to the pile.

Exhibit E(final exhibit)- Well, that's just a harmless guitar. He doesn't play guitar. He bought strings for his new musical instrument and set it in the corner. That was six days ago. I have no idea where it came from.


Oh Al, I love you.

Bitch Test

On occasion, my family, co-workers and friends will inform me that something I have said or done is not polite, overly sarcastic, snarky or "bitchy".

Most of the time, I don't believe them. For example, my sister and I were at a garage sale and the home owner asked if I needed any "Brand New Size B Bras." I responded " No, we are a large breasted family."

I thought this was hilarious, my sister says it was bitchy - that I was implying that home owner has small boobs. Not true, I was simply informing her that those "Brand New Size B Bras" wouldn't work on my frame.

So, today I have a bitch test for you and I would appreciate your honest opinion.

Picture this - I arrive at the car wash at 5:20.

Me: Hello, I would like a full service wash with an interior detail.
Car Wash Gentleman: I don't have time for that.
Me: Why not?
Car Wash Gentleman: We close at 5:30
Me: Well, how long does it take?
Car Wash Gentleman: About 15 minutes
Me: You are unwilling to stay 5 minutes late for a paying customer?
Car Wash Gentleman: We close at 5:30
Me: Fine, do what you can I guess

Al Borlan (aka: my live in lova) says I'm an asshole. That in no way should I expect him to stay 5 minutes late and I am inconsiderate for asking. Don't I know that you can't show up somewhere 10 minutes before they close.....and so on.

Here's my case:
1. I didn't show up at 5:29, I came at 5:20 - a full 10 minutes before they close.
2. If you close at 5:30, you don't turn away a customer at 5:20!
3. I wasn't asking for an hour long massage - I merely wanted a 15 minute interior detail.
4. If my boss approaches me at 4:50 for assitance, I don't tell him "Sorry-I'm off in 10 minutes"

What do think about the Car Wash Case?

Dear Lost Follower

Why have you forsaken me?

I only had 8 followers. That's not very many. Now I have 7, which is even less than 8. **Sigh** I ask not for sympathy or pity, I only seek answers from you - lost follower . Where did you go? I feel like we were really beginning to connect, to share intimate experiences over the blogoshpere.

Did I not comment your blog enough? Come back to me, I will LOL your every post.

Did I offend you? I will never post photos of weenie babies or make fun of children again.

Oh, lost follower, how will I find the will to write without your avatar smiling coyly from my sidebar?

I miss you.

Help! I'm Stuck to the Kitchen Floor!

So I saw this at Walgreens :


And I thought - "oh cool, this will work perfect for my Pure Romance cue cards - I can look like a super cool artist rather than a Kindergartener with a glue stick"

I may have looked like a really cool graphic artist while spraying away and jamming out to the ipod, but I felt like a housewife when I was scrubbing my kitchen floors.

Ya, don't use this unless you have a studio, a garage or a tarp. I just spent over an hour drunkenly (did I mention the three glasses of wine associated with spray gluing and rocking out?) scrubbing the glue particles off the kitchen floor, the kitchen table, my ipod and the cat's paws. I could hear his sticky footsteps from the other room. Actually the clumpy tar and feather style cat hair clumps made cleaning up my mess that much more fun.

Moral of story: don't use spray glue unless you are qualified
Other moral of story: if your gonna be an unqualified spray gluer-don't drink and spray

You Are Going to Have to Secede From the St. Louis MSA

I love watching shows about drugs - something about people's lives falling apart scratches an itch for me. Just so you don't think I'm totally sadistic, I also like it when they get sober- ok, so there.

Naturally, I TiVo -ed the Discovery Channel's 3 part series "Meth Nation" "Heroin Nation" and "Cocaine Nation" because there are sure to be some good drug addicts in that mix.

Here I sit, watching a dramatization of a paranoia induced hallucination, when what do I see on the back of the Sherrif's jacket: Jefferson, County Missouri.

Damn it! The rest of the show is focused on "the meth capital of the world"and what the police in Jefferson County, MO are up against. Arrests are made, labs are busted and many toothless men in Nascar T-shirts are shown in Jefferson County, MO.

Listen lovely neighbor to the south, you have got to get your act together.

Hear me out, I love going to the river, I love shopping at the Bluffs and my own blood sister and mother live within your borders, but this is embarassing! It is as if our dirty underwear have been featured on National television.

The population north of 55 and 270 need you to shape up or ship out. St. Louis and Kansas City are the only two things holding this lame state together-can you start pulling your own weight, please!?

If you are planning to have a garage sale, please follow these 10 simple rules

1. You must advertise with more than one sign. After the first turn, I still need to know where to go. The Gods of broken vacuum cleaners and baby clothes will not magically bring me to your door.
2. If you pack up early, you must take your signs down. Otherwise, I will knock on your door and ask to buy things inside your house.
3. If your ad says you open at 8:00 am, you must have all of your things out and priced at 8:00 am. If you are still bringing things out when I pull up I will take all your signs down because, clearly, you are not organized enough to have a garage sale.
4. If you have only junk, please call Goodwill. No one wants to buy mismatched shoes, skanky stuffed animals or Christmas decorations from 1973.
5. If you believe your things are priceless, do not have a garage sale. No one will pay $10 for a sconce I can purchase at T.J. Max for $12. For $2 more, I'll buy it new, thanks. You will be dragging all of your priceless treasures back inside the house at the end of the day.
6. If you don't put a price tag on something, very few people will ask you the cost because it's a garage sale, not an auction. If you can't decide on a price, take it back inside. If, for some reason, I do ask the cost, do not respond with "What's it worth to you?" because I will tell you 5 cents.
7. You must have a FULL garage or yard worth of items. If you do not have at least this much, put it in the basement and add to the pile until you have enough for a decent showing. If you have less than this and decide to have a sale anyway. I will stand at the bottom of your driveway and direct traffic away from your house.
8. Do not stare at your customers, no one is going to steal your collection of coffee mugs.
9. Do not harass your customers. We can decide on our own what is "a must have" or "a great deal." If you talk to me about an item I am looking at, I will promptly put it down and leave your garage.
10. If your garage smells like cat pee, mold, poop or old people, do not have a sale.

Keeping Up With The Big, Dumb Liars!

This is not what I was planning on posting today, but I am pretty fired up.

Forever 21 is proud to announce their new, plus size line and mentions Kim Kardashian as an example of a fuller figured person who can now shop at Forever 21. Ok, great. Because it used to be that only teeny little bitty tweens and asian ladies could shop there.

Kim K. gets pissed and fires back that she is not plus sized, she is a size 2.

Really?! A size 2? Biatch, please.

Listen, I don't think that you are plus size. I mean, you've got a lot going on in the rear, but the rest of you seems very average sized. However, if you are a size 2 then by God so am I. That makes Beyonce a zero and Kelly Clarkson a 4. Sounds good to me!

Come on! Everyone knows your fibbing and there is just no reason for it. No one is mad about you being an 8, it's cool-own it. You're gorgeous, let's get real.

Jennifer Love Hewitt did it a few years ago too after those photos of her looking like a normal lady in a swimsuit surfaced. Stop It!

An Open Letter to The Learning Channel

Dear TLC Executives,

I am writing to remind you of the meaning for your station acronym. TLC=The Learning Channel.

Every Saturday, I browse through your listings for the week because I used to enjoy your programs and I still hold a glimmer of hope that I will find something worth Tivo-ing. Alas, every week it's the same lineup.

John and Kate Plus Eight
John and Kate Plus Eight
John and Kate Plus Eight
Say Yes to the Dress
Say Yes to the Dress
John and Kate Plus Eight
Bringing Home Baby
Bringing Home Baby
Baby Story
John and Katie Plus Eight
Say Yes to the Dress
Bringing Home Baby

I don't care about Jon, Kate or their eight children. I don't find women searching for a wedding dress the least bit interesting and I have no interest in babies or their trips home.

If you are experiencing success with this mind-numbing schedule of mama's, their babies, and their minivans, then, by all means, do what makes you money. Don't worry about be, I've got Nat Geo.

But please, for the sake of humanity and all things intelligent, change your name to "TSMC" - The Soccer Mom Channel.

Your Former Viewer
Katherine Proctor